A PERFORMANCE ARTIST WHO BELIEVES THERE IS A LIGHT IN EVERYONE
HOW PAIN AND LOSS TRANSFORMED HER LIFE TRAJECTORY:
"My spiritual journey first began when my son was born. At the age of 26, I left my husband after nine years of being together, with my 2-year-old child. After the separation, I plunged as deep as I could into the spiritual world, as a monk and a seeker.
But before meditation became the foundation of my life, I was an actor and dancer. I left the entertainment industry for several reasons. I could not deal with the energies of control and competition on set and on stage. The tensions between the director and I were unbearable. And I also always felt there was a sexual tension between me and the male directors or producers. I felt as if they expected something from me. I often felt that I was too emotional, too dramatic, too intense. I felt like I was different and could not find a tribe, or somewhere to fit in. No matter what others would say, even if they were complimenting me, there was an inherent feeling of being "wrong", and I could not stop comparing myself to others. I felt a deep sense of unworthiness.
Another reason I left the industry was because of my tremendous guilt for being in the spotlight. One day, on my way to rehearsal, my brother had an accident. He spent several years in a coma before passing away. My father, who was living with me after being diagnosed with a brain tumor, died while I was performing. After they both passed away, I felt selfish enjoying life, and as a result, I stopped performing.
Through yoga and meditation, I discovered Tantra, which is the art of allowing sexual energy to flow through your body and life without restriction. I always knew there was so much more to sexuality than what most people experience. I became a Tantric Therapist because I realized it gave me the same energy as when I was on stage. But this was a hidden stage, one where I could heal my unresolved trauma with sexual abuse and address the guilt I was carrying with me."
ON DEALING WITH A TRAUMATIC PAST:
"Sometimes I am afraid to live outside of my comfort zone because it’s what I had to do most of my life. I experienced emotional, physical, and sexual abuse in my childhood. My family is Balkan. It was "normal" to be beaten and punished if you were a girl who was too free-spirited and independent. The more rebellious I was, the more punishment I received, and I was very rebellious. When I was not obedient, my family would suffer, and my brother and mother would beat the hell out of me, blaming me for the disasters in the family.
However, this actually led me to develop an immense desire for peace, love and joy. I started wanting a freer and more exciting life, and integrated self love in my daily meditation. It helped me get in touch with my inner child, and helped me realize that I was the most important person in my own life. It allowed me to love myself and all my wildness and fierceness.
I saw that leaving my comfort zone with awareness and grace could benefit me. It's like this feeling that my heart is racing like crazy, but I am doing it anyway because it’s exciting."
"LEAVING MY COMFORT ZONE... It'S LIKE THIS feeling that my heart is RACING LIKE CRAZY, but I am doing it anyway because it’s exciting."
HOW INTIMACY MAKES HER FEEL VULNERABLE:
"My need for being in a relationship with a partner, expressing my pain and fear to him, makes me feel vulnerable because it is essential for me to show myself completely, which includes my fears and weaknesses."
ON FORGIVING HERSELF FOR HER “MISTAKES”:
"One of my toughest falls was when my son rejected me and did not want to see me at two different periods of my life. The first time was when I left the country, he was only 10 and went to live with his father. He felt abandoned and unwanted, and wanted to punish me in return. The second time was a few years later when I shaved my head. When I went bald, he thought I was ill and did not want to be confronted with that.
Consequently, I learned to better accept myself, with all my needs, and forgive myself for everything I did or failed to do. I took a stand for what felt right at the time and realized that I still deserve to be loved and that there are no real mistakes."
"I learned to better accept myself, with all my needs, and forgive myself for everything I did or failed to do."
"I always thought something was tremendously wrong with me. As a child my parents tried to cure me from my "disease" of being too alive, or having too much of my own mind. My mother believed I was possessed by negative forces.
But the truth is that I am filled with light. I always felt it then and I know it now. When I realized that I was not broken and wrong, I felt like a genius of some sorts. And I know that there is a light in everyone. We just have to give ourselves the permission for it to come through."
"And I know that there is a light in everyone. we just have to give ourselves the permission for it to come through."
ON FINDING HER SILVER LINING:
"I never allowed myself to feel success or abundance in my relationships or career. I felt like I was on the run for the past 13 years. I changed cities or countries whenever I started to build relationships and contacts. In fact, I still haven't settled down. I have my one suitcase and that’s all of my material possessions.
I know that I came to this earth intentionally, and I am sure every one of us is also here intentionally. I chose to speak out about my family, but there is no one to blame. In fact, I know they fulfilled their purpose in the way they were intended to. Everything I experienced was so I could see the bigger picture. The pain and discomfort propelled me to look further, to look for the light that is hidden within every story. And being an artist, it is my purpose to make this light visible for everyone."